What Jewish Mourning Rituals Teach Us About the Transformational Power of Rituals
Learning more about mourning rituals has influenced my thoughts about morning rituals.
The Transformational Power of Rituals
In my work developing rituals for myself and others, I often share with clients the science behind my systems, to help them understand why a certain practice will create the end result they desire.
Since my grandpa died, I have studied more about the various Jewish mourning rituals. This article presents a great overview of the various rituals beginning with death and the burial.
Here I want to focus on two specific rituals that begin after burial and continue for the full year of mourning. These two rituals illustrate the transformational power of rituals and how science supports these transformations.
Ritual 1: Reciting the Kaddish
Brief Overview of The Kaddish Ritual
The Kaddish — a prayer that offers praise of God — is said to elevate the soul of the deceased as it faces Divine judgement. The laws around mourner’s Kaddish require a child to say the prayer for his deceased parent for the year of mourning (this “year” is, technically, 11 months).
A child who assumes this responsibility makes a significant commitment:
- The Kaddish is recited three times a day, during morning, afternoon and evening prayer services. Every day. Including holidays.
- According to the “official rules,” Kaddish may not be said privately; it must be recited in the presence of a minyan — the quorum of ten required for communal prayer.
According to Chabad,
… this service of holiness must be recited only in public, eliciting the response of a congregation. The Jewish experience has taught that such values as peace and life, and the struggle to bring heaven down to earth, of which the Kaddish speaks, can be achieved only in concert with society, and proclaimed amidst friends and neighbors of the same faith.
Of course, some people might decide to recite Kaddish when they can make it to a place with a quorum, and recite it on their own at other times. There is at least one website that offers a streaming evening prayer service to accommodate mourners who wish to say Kaddish in the communal setting.
For my purposes here, I want to focus on the mourner who commits to reciting Kaddish as intended. He (or she, though women are exempt) must go to a synagogue, or gather a quorum at another place, three times a day for a year. That’s a significant commitment of time and effort.
The Transformational Effect of the Kaddish Ritual
For a mourner who commits to this practice, transformation is inevitable. Here are three transformations and how they occur.
(1) More Presence and Greater Awareness
The Kaddish ritual requires a mourner to create space for prayer in his daily routine. He also must be intentional with his day, so that he arrives on time to services. The natural result of creating space for prayer and being intentional with time is that you will live each day with more presence and greater awareness.
(2) More Gratitude and Faith; Less Fear
Let’s assume the mourner feels obligated to say Kaddish but really isn’t into the structure of forced prayer. How might the Kaddish ritual affect him?
Even if the mourner attends services only to recite the Kaddish, and doesn’t intend to join in the rest of the prayers, it’s inevitable that he will eventually open up to prayer.
The principle at play here is the foot-in-the-door technique, a compliance tactic that involves getting a person to agree to big requests by starting with smaller requests.
It’s the idea behind “just trying on” a dress or taking a car for a test drive. As you dip in, you become more invested.
The mourner shows up to the synagogue. He holds the prayer book. He opens the book to the page for Kaddish. At that point, standing amidst the other men who are praying, with the book opened, he is likely to engage in at least some of the prayers.
Over the span of the year, he will almost certainly participate in the full service. It’s highly unlikely that by the conclusion of a year he wouldn’t find some aspect of services that he enjoys and that fulfills him. He may not continue to attend daily prayer services three times a day, every day, but my guess is that he would continue daily prayer in some form.
His three-times daily prayer ritual is likely to create a deepened faith. And because faith is the antidote to fear, his deeper faith will result in less fear. He will become more grounded and centered, even in our world of chaos.
Prayer also opens us up to more gratitude. Much of Jewish prayer is about giving thanks to God, and the more we express gratitude, the more grateful we fell.
(3) Shift in Mindset and Beliefs
Even if the mourner does nothing other than recite the Kaddish, the mere fact of being surrounded by a group of people committed to spiritual practice on a regular basis will influence his beliefs and actions over time. This is the peer group effect, the concept that the people who you surround yourself with influence what you believe and think.
Science proves the adage that “you become the company you keep.” This adage itself is a restatement of Proverbs:
He that walketh with wise men shall be wise… — Proverbs 13:20
The people around us influence our emotions, our behavior, our habits and our mindsets.
In addition to the deepened faith and gratitude discussed above, other effects of prayer include:
- increased optimism and gratitude
- a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in life
- more ease in forgiveness
- broadened perspective
It’s likely that the other members of the quorum exhibit these tendencies. Even if the mourner were able to resist the small steps toward praying himself, we would expect to see his mindset shift just from being in proximity to people with these mindsets.
(4) Improved Health and Well-Being
There is compelling evidence that the effects of prayer can promote physical healing.
Science has shown that prayer offsets the negative health effects of stress; specifically when the focus of prayer is on others. This is the case for much of the Jewish prayer service, and especially the Kaddish. In reciting the Kaddish, a mourner is focusing on honoring his deceased parent and praising God.
Ritual 2: Engaging in Study
An Overview of The Study Ritual
The other custom that sparked my interest is the custom to engage in the study of Mishnayot. Engaging in study is a source of merit for the soul of the departed.
4 periods are set aside for study:
- During the Shiva, between Mincha (the afternoon prayer service) and Maariv (the evening prayer service), where visitors study aloud.
- During the remainder of Shloshim — the 30 day mourning period, during which time the mourners study alone or by taking part in group study and discussion.
- During the entire first year, until the 1st yartzeit (anniversary of the death).
- Each year on the yartzeit of the deceased.
As part of this study ritual, it is customary to deliver a D’var Torah — a talk about the topic of study (similar to an homily in the Christian tradition)— on the yartzeit of the deceased.
My grandpa modeled this practice, delivering talks on the yartzeits of his parents and sisters. In the past couple of years, as he became too weak to walk around the corner to his synagogue, he emailed his talk to the Rabbis, and they could read it to the congregation. He also shared his talks via email, to a list of recipients of wide ranging degrees of faith and religion.
(Yes, my grandpa had a more consistent email newsletter than I do.)
The Transformational Effects of Study Rituals
(1) Greater Intention and Meaning
Like with reciting Kaddish, to create space in our daily routine for study requires being intentional about how we spend our day. The practice of daily study creates time for contemplation and reflection away from the mundane elements of life.
A continuous course of study also opens space in which the student gains a wider perspective on life and himself.
(2) Eliminate Distractions and Enhance Focus
Proper study requires space away from distractions. By devoting time to studying deep material, we practice the art of focused attention and learn to eliminate distractions.
(3) Improved Communication Skills
I would offer that true study is only completed in the teaching of the material to others. Otherwise, all you’ve done is consumed information.
The best way to understand a topic is to teach it to someone else.
Science backs this up. Researchers have found that students enlisted to tutor others work harder to understand the material, recall it more accurately and apply it more effectively. This is called the protogé effect.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that we know something because we read it in a book or took a course on it. Teaching others what we learn requires us to fully understand the concept. It removes the possibility of self-deceit. The process of distilling what you learn into an article or a talk forces you to organize the information and contemplate how you will communicate it. This often involves struggle, for example, over which parts to include and omit and how to explain the concepts. This struggle is how we integrate the information and turn it into knowledge; it is essential to the process of study.
The process of learning in order to teach what you’ve learned helps build mastery in skills of information processing, synthesis and communication.
(4) Expanded Emotional Awareness
As we synthesize what we study to create a tangible deliverable — in the form of a talk and written piece —we engage in the process of intellectual assimilation. This is how we turn information into understanding.
My grandpa took it to the next level. In his talks, he would share personal stories that related to his chosen topic. By including snippets of his own life experiences, he engaged in emotional assimilation of the material. This process of emotional assimilation is how we convert understanding into knowledge.
The Hebrew word for knowledge — Yada — is often used in the Torah as a reference to sexual intercourse. For example, “Adam knew his wife Eve.” True knowledge is embodied; it lives in our physiology and nervous system.
Connecting what we study to our own experience enhances our emotional awareness and intelligence. It also helps us to expand our empathy for others. This ability to relate concepts on an emotional level is the X-factor that defines great teachers.
My grandpa was a man of deep knowledge and wisdom not because he read a lot of books (although he did), but because he engaged in ritual practice of study that involved both intellectual assimilation and emotional assimilation. This emotional aspect is likely why people with no experience in Judaism resonated with his talks.
The Common Thread: A Life of Greater Meaning
Of course, we need not be in mourning to adopt the rituals of prayer and study. In fact, I incorporated both of these rituals into my routine before my grandpa died.
Like my other rituals, they add rich meaning to my life. As I considered the transformational power of all rituals, it is this greater sense of meaning that seems to be the common thread.
At the most basic level, rituals imbue our lives with greater meaning and purpose.
Of course, “greater meaning” can feel like such a platitude. What does that even mean? Here are three themes that stood out for me that offer a more concrete sense of what rituals can do for us.
(1) Build Strength
- Daily fitness strengthens our bodies.
- Daily meditation and prayer strengthen our souls and spirit.
- Daily study strengthens our mind, intellect and emotions.
(2) Create Space with Intention
As I say often, these practices are not habits. Fitness, meditation, study, and prayer are intentional acts. They don’t just “happen.” We must decide to engage in them daily. We must create space for them. They require us to give up something else — or reschedule something else — to fit them in. Whether it’s a television show, a weekly card game, a night out with friends, or time online, we must be willing to make the sacrifice for what we will gain in the process — even if we don’t know what we will gain when we start out.
When we create space for these practices, they create space in us: in our joints, our hearts, our souls and our minds.
(3) Love of Process vs Chasing Outcomes
When we chase achievements and goals, we struggle to find satisfaction. No matter what we achieve, there is always a next level. No matter what our goal, we can always set it higher.
Rituals are not about achievements or an end-goal. A life based in rituals is about committing to a course of intentional living. The process is the outcome. The journey is the destination.
Thank you for reading this. I am truly grateful that you took the time.
This piece emerged from my heart through my fingers. Hitting publish still fills me with nervous anticipation. Your claps and comments really keep me going. If something resonated for you, I’d love to hear what it is. If you have questions, I’d love to hear those too. I might even have answers.
This was originally published at mymeadowreport.com on November 2, 2017. You can find more of my writing there.
